Flutter
by LoveAsThouWilt
Summary: Ken is feeling down, but there is a certain lead singer who is just dying to cheer him up. YAOI. Fluffy.
1. Flutter

** __**

Warning: Yaoi. Guy x Guy. Gay Digimon characters. I think I've made that clear now If you don't happen to be as tolerant of homosexuality or my choice of couples, please don't flame me. I like flames as much as the next person, but I'd rather have support. Arigatou!

****

Disclaimer: Digimon owns me. ;;;

****

A/N: On a whim, I attempted to write a believable Yamato x Ken, and it was amazingly successful. It was meant to have only one part, but all the positive feedback compelled me to come up with enough plot to make it a five-part series. I've even rewritten this first part from Yamato's POV (also posted on FF.net). This is the fic that gave me my name in the fandom and I am very proud of it I hope as time goes by, I draw even more people to this pairing. If anyone reads this after I've reloaded it in HTML will notice I took most of the Japanese out ;; It just sounded silly.

****

Flutter

by loveasthouwilt

The crowd parted as I made my way to our grades, posted in the school hallway.

Once, they had parted wide around my ego, as I always knew I'd be at the top of the list. I would smile smugly and they would all look down, practically bow before me, because they knew they could not possibly surpass me.

But now, though the crowd still parts, the space between us is less and less every time, as my name moves down and down.

They looked level with me now, in ever-decreasing surprise that the smugness is gone. I've even been taunted.

I found my name... a little further down than before...

I sighed and my gaze fell to my feet. The crowd, unimpressed, closed around me.

I know I've resolved to stop being my brother, to just be Ken, but... I miss being a genius. Make no mistake, I'm still an overachiever, but I didn't know I would miss being the best at everything. Even my soccer playing now lacks the agressiveness that made me great.

I was once the most respected, notorious child prodigies out there, and now I've come to find that I was more like... infamous.

I mean, I knew _I_ couldn't stand them, but I didn't realize _they_ couldn't stand me. I guess I didn't notice because I didn't care.

I care now... but the damage has been done.

On my way to soccer practice, some guys from the computer club asked me about a program. One started blathering in technical terms I should have known, but I couldn't make sense of. I ended up just watching his mouth move...

When he stopped talking, I just stood there, looking like a total idiot. I looked back and forth between the guys, trying to think of something to say, and noticed they were all trying not to giggle.

Ah.... they were making fun of me again...

I frowned in passive irritation, pushed through them and held back tears as they burst into laughter behind me.

I'm such a girl sometimes...

I don't even want to think about the torment I'd have to endure if they knew that _other_ thing about me....

I don't miss being the Digimon Emperor. I don't get angry with people when they're mean to me. I just wish I could be average and still be treated fairly. I know I brought it upon myself. That doesn't make it any easier.

"Get out of the game, Ichijouji!"

The coach took off his cap and threw it on the ground.

I sat on the bench for the rest of practice, then made my way home.

Mother makes sure she's home every day after soccer practice to make sure that I _do_ come home. Eventually, she'll quit doing that when she trusts that I'm really here to stay this time.

Minomon had been asleep on one of my pillows. When I entered my room, he greeted me from the top bunk. "How was your day?" he asked politely.

"Lousy." I replied. I put my books on the desk and opened up one of them to the given assignment. I sat down and stared at the pages mindlessly for almost twenty minutes.

"What's wrong?" Minomon asked, jumping up onto the desk.

"I'm just distracted... by.... something...."

There was a knocking at the door.

I turned around and Daisuke was standing there. "What'cha doing, Ken?" he asked. Then he arched his head to look around me and added "Hi, Minomon."

I stood up, closing the textbook. "Nothing important."

He grinned. "Good, because there's a party tonight and we're invited because Yamato's band is going to be performing."

"Yamato?"

He looked at me confusedly, then brightened up. "Oh, that's right, you haven't met any of the original Chosen, yet. He's Takeru's brother."

"Ah."

I wondered if he was cute.

"Okay. Sure, I'll go. Sounds like fun." Anything to get away from doing homework. "Whose party?"

He came into the room to check out the textbook I had closed. "Some rich girl who knows Takeru. The party is at her house."

Good. It would be people I didn't know. They wouldn't know to make fun of me.

Then he looked back at me. "You should come to my place until then. Takeru and his mother are going to pick me up and take me to the house."

I stuffed my textbooks into a drawer so I didn't have to think about them, then I took Minomon to Daisuke's house and we played video games until Takeru showed up. Patamon stayed with the other two digimon at Daisuke's house to keep each other company while we were at the party.

The band was already playing when we got there, and Takeru pointed his brother out to me.

He _was_ cute. _Really_ cute. But, of course, I kept that comment to myself.

Daisuke and Takeru introduced me to some of their friends, mostly the original Chosen. They were very considerate and mentioned my Digimon Emperor stage very little.

I'm only human, so I was consciously picking out who I thought was cute. Jyou. Koushirou. Taichi.

Whoever picked out the Chosen Children, new and original, had good taste.

I had never realized until then that I'm _shy_. I wanted them to like me so much, I was afraid to say anything at all. So I ended up mostly sitting alone on the couch, watching television.

A few hours into the party, someone sat beside me. "Ichijouji Ken?"

I snapped to attention. "Yes?" When I looked to see who it was, I recognized him.

Yamato.

"Oh, uh, hello." I said shyly.

"I'm Ishida Yamato," he said with a big, sparkling grin. "Enjoying the party."

I shrugged. "Sure," considering I was being totally anti-social.

He picked up the television control and pressed the off button. "I bet you would have even more fun if you were hanging out with Takeru and Daisuke instead of sitting here. I've seen them talking to a lot of cute girls."

I toyed with a string sticking out of the arm of the couch. "I'm not interested in girls."

I almost choked on my own words. That's not what I meant to say at all!

"Young! I'm not intersted in _young_ girls." I sputtered. Then I looked at him and grinned, hoping to recover some dignity. "That didn't come out right the first time, did it?"

His eyes narrowed in amused suspicion. "I don't know, did it?"

I blushed. Was he flirting with me?!

Shit... I should have just kept joking with him, I shouldn't have blushed. Now he knows for sure...

"Do you want me to bring you a drink?" he asked as he stood up.

"Uh, alright."

Then he flashed me a smile over his shoulder as he walked away.

He _was_ flirting with me!!

My heart fluttered. I can be such a girl sometimes.

He came back in no time and handed me a plastic cup filled with some clear carbonated drink.

"So, what do you do now that you don't have worlds to conquer?" he asked as he sat down, noticeably closer to me than before.

I looked down into the clear liquid in my cup. "Fail tests and suck at soccer mostly," I said.

He took a drink and licked his lips. "That bad, huh?"

I said nothing.

"What about Daisuke...?"

I shrugged. "He's the same. Plays soccer and video games all the time."

He laughed. "No, I mean, do you like him."

I almost dropped my cup. "What?!"

He put his now empty cup on the table. "Well it might explain something, if you like hi... _her_ and _she_ doesn't return your feelings."

What? Then I realized he had changed tactics because there were now other people congregating near the couch.

"I don't think that's it." I said, putting my untouched drink next to his empty cup. I know Daisuke's not like that, so I never even considered him seriously.

"Maybe you're just too concerned about what people think about you."

I sighed and said nothing.

"I bet that's it," he said, leaning back into the couch. "That's why you're so shy."

Congratulations. You figured me out. I don't want them to make fun of me. Now what do I do to fix it?

Just then, Taichi put his hands on the back of the couch. "You two getting along?" he asked with a grin.

Yamato looked at me and blushed.

Jokingly, Taichi moved around the couch to sit between Yamato and me, which meant he also sat _on_ Yamato and me. We scooted a bit so he could fit between us, but it wasn't long before the band's drummer called on Yamato to start up the next couple of songs.

"I actually came over here because Hikari wants to introduce you to one of her friends." Taichi told me after Yamato left. Then he added, with a sly grin, "But, since I know Yamato... well, I didn't think _you'd_ be interested."

Dammit, my secret was slowly leaking everywhere.

"Could you please...not make it known." I said, reaching blindly for my untouched drink. I hit it and it spilled all over the table and onto the floor.

That's all I needed, to draw attention to myself.

Taichi just grinned and brought me a towel to clean up the mess. After that embarrassment, I wasn't up to socializing with _anyone_ anymore. I relocated myself to somewhere in the house so I could better see and hear Yamato singing.

All too soon, the band began to pack up their equipment and the party slowly dissipated. Takeru's mother arrived to pick us up and I was waiting by myself in a dark hallway near the front door for Daisuke and Takeru.

Yamato found me first.

He grabbed my hand and pressed a folded piece of paper into it.

Then he leaned down and kissed me.

He kissed me!

"Call me," he whispered against my lips.

Then he continued walking down the hallway.

My heart fluttered.

I'm such a girl sometimes....

__

to be continued


	2. Sigh

****

Flutter Part 2: Sigh

by loveasthouwilt

I skipped soccer practice and ran home early. My mother wasn't home, so I didn't have to answer any of her questions yet.

I went straight to the phone and dialed the number I had already memorized.

At the first ring, I slammed the phone back on the receiver.

What was I thinking!?

About him, of course. So much for the focus my schoolwork needed. I couldn't think about anything, or anyone, else.

Only Ishida Yamato.

I needed a plan. What was I going to say?

What...hmm...?

I'm so damn anxious...

OK, ok.

I picked up the phone and dialed again, this time letting it ring.

And ring....

And ring...

Just before I hung up someone yanked up the phone on the other end and shouted gruffly "Hello!"

"Uh..." I stuttered, surprised that anyone had answered and thrown off guard. "Is...Yamato-san there?"

"No, he's with his band.... Who is this?"

I panicked. "No-Nobody. I'll call back!" Then hung up.

I sighed deeply. I guess I might as well have gone to soccer practice.

I went to my room and leaned against a wall, hugging myself and looking out the window thoughtfully.

Ishida Yamato.

"What'cha doin' Ken?" Minomon squeaked from his usual place on my pillow.

I climbed up the ladder to my bed and sat next to him. "Thinking about someone." I said with a smile.

He tilted his head sideways curiously. "Who?"

I put my hands behind my head and laid back. "Yamato..." I said dreamily.

"Yamato?" my digimon said, crawling onto my chest and facing me. "Who's that?"

"A beautiful blonde I met last night at the party."

"A girl?" he giggled. He'd been listening to Daisuke too much.

I grinned. "Not exactly."

Sigh. Ishida Yamato.

I sat up abruptly, sending Minomon scuttling. Come on, Ken, get your head out of the clouds.

I jumped down from the bed and went to my desk, opening a drawer and finding the textbook I had neglected the night before. It had been quite an embarrassment to be without it at school that day...

I opened up to the middle of the book and started flipping towards the chapter we were studying. I flipped past it once and had to go back.

Dammit, Ken, pay attention.

When I got to the right page, I started reading, but was soon distracted my the folded piece of paper I had retrieved from my pocket.

_He_ wrote it. _He_ gave it to me. He likes me!

What are the odds!

Minomon hopped into my lap, bringing me back into the real world where homework needed to be done.

I groaned, my head thumping into the pages of the book.

Did I used to _like_ doing homework? I don't even remember. What's so different now? I still have the same brain, why can't I use it?

I snickered to myself. I'm becoming Daisuke.

Finally, I _made_ myself do the work. It wasn't really hard, though I gave some answers I knew very well were wrong, but I couldn't find the correct answer so I made something up.

Right or wrong, the work was done and I was satisfied.

Yes, I'm becoming Daisuke, no wonder my grades are falling.

When I heard my mother coming in the apartment, I bolted for the phone. Maybe Yamato was home by now!

My mother gave me a questioning look when she spotted me, but didn't disturb me as I made the call again.

No one answered this time.

Sigh. Yamato.

I met my mother in the kitchen where she was unloading groceries. "Hello, Mama. Need some help?"

"Yes, Ken. Thank you." She stepped back and let me do all the work. I was happy to help her. "Why are you home so early?" she asked.

I bit my lip. I couldn't lie to her.

"I... wanted to... talk to someone I met last night at the party. But... he isn't home."

She knows already.... she just doesn't like it...

She shook her head sadly. "Ken..." then she paused to pick out her words. "...you _know_ I don't approve."

I turned away from her, putting cans into the cabinet. "Yes, Mama, I know."

"Then why--"

I slammed the cabinet door. "I just am!" I couldn't look at her when we had this conversation, but I didn't mean to raise my voice. "I'm sorry...I just am."

Though still not convinced, she tried to be civil, though the bitterness still edged her voice. "Well, who is he?"

I stopped what I was doing and smiled at her excitedly. "Oh, he's wonderful! Blonde hair. Blue eyes. He has his own band. He's older than me, and he's really nice." I blushed and looked away. I hadn't meant to go on like that.

She cleared her throat and began to walk away. "Just don't let...him...interfere with your school work."

I felt a little guilty. Too late for that...

When I was finished putting away the groceries, I went back to the phone. It rang just as my hand touched it, startling me.

I picked it up and answered. "Hello?"

"Hey, baby!"

I was taken aback and my face went totally red. "Y-Yamato? How'd you get this number?"

"Daisuke gave it to me." he answered cheerfully.

I couldn't breathe. "What? Daisuke! Why did you have to ask him!? What's he going to think!?"

I could hear him giggling. "Calm down, Ken. He's not going to assume anything right. Daisuke isn't clever enough to put two and two together."

Mama was watching me, listening to me, so I turned my back on her. "It's just... a sensitive subject." I tried to explain to Yamato.

"You want me to cancel the car then?" he teased.

"What?"

"Mom is bringing Takeru over and I asked her to drop by your place to pick you up!"

"Yamato...!" I stuttered. "I can't go with _Takeru_ ... He's going to want to know why you're interested in me all of a sudden... Does he know about you?"

"Nuh uh. No one else but Taichi knows." He snickered, "That's what I get for trying to hit on him! How about you?"

I shrugged, though he couldn't see it. "My mother knows. I don't know if my father knows or not. We've never talked about it."

"What does she think?"

I thought that was kind of personal to be talking about over the phone, but I answered anyway, though sarcastically. "Oh, she's thrilled."

"Mn. Too bad..."

"Yeah..."

There were a few moments of awkward silence before Yamato spoke up again. He talked about band rehearsal mostly, and I listened intently, even though I had never been interested in anything like that before.

Sigh... Yamato...

"Sorry. I'm talking your ear off."

I smiled. "I don't mind..."

"Well, I'm gonna go anyway. We can talk when you get over here, ne."

"Okay."

"Bye!"

"Bye..."

I hung up the phone, holding my hand over it for a moment. When I turned, Mama was standing there, and she didn't look happy.

And she struck me...!

My head whipped to the side and I was thrown totally off balance. I fell against a nearby decorative table, knocking down pictures and figurines, but I caught myself before hitting the floor.

I was absolutely shocked... and heartbroken. I gritted my teeth together, my eyes filling with tears.

I would change for her... if only I could....

But I can't. It just doesn't work that way.

I ran to my room and threw the door closed behind me. My bed is too high for me to just flop onto it, so instead I sank to the floor in the middle of the room.

"Ken!" Minomon hopped towards me. "What's wrong..."

I gathered him into my arms, despite how not-cuddly he actually is, and hugged him close, tears streaming silently.

I could still hear her in the other room. Apparently my father had come home while I was on the phone and I hadn't noticed.

"I can't support _that_" she was yelling. "I love him, but I will _never_ support that!"

There was a sound of movement across the apartment and then I heard her voice again. "Yes, he's here, but he's not going anywhere."

My ride!

I stood up with Minomon and listened at the door. I heard Mama move away from the front door and across the apartment into the living room. Then I left my room and bolted for the front door.

"KEN!!!" my mother yelled furiously behind me.

As I approached the elevator, I spotted Takeru. "Run!" I insisted. We got to the elevator and I pressed the close-door button frantically.

I was going to be in _so_ much trouble when I returned...!

"Hi, Minomon." Takeru said, rubbing the digimon's head as the elevator began to descend.

Then he noticed how red my eyes and face were. "What happened?"

I looked down. "An argument. I had to get out of there."

Takeru didn't press any further until we were in his mother's car. "So what's with you and Yamato." he asked. There was curiosity in his voice, but no suspicion whatsoever.

"Yamato!" Minomon piped up. "Isn't he--mmphh!"

I put my hand over the digimon's face so he couldn't speak. That was close...

Quickly coming up with a reason to have cut Minomon off, I scolded him quietly. "Quiet... Do you want Takeru's mother to find out?"

"It's okay. Mom knows already." Patamon said from the front seat. I hadn't known he was up there.

Takeru's mother smiled into the rear-view mirror at me.

I looked at Takeru questioningly. He just shook his head. "It's a long story... but you never answered my question."

I had hoped he would forget that.

I shrugged. "He's cool. I like him."

I smiled and stared out the window.

Sigh. Yamato.

Some time later, Takeru's mother let Takeru, me, and our digimon out of the car. "I'll be back for you in a few hours," she informed us before driving away.

Then we made our way up to the apartment Yamato and his father shared.

Yamato let us in cheerfully. He had obviously attempted to clean up the place before we got there, with the exception of vacuuming or actually wiping off some of the countertops with a clean rag.

"I ordered a pizza so none of you have to suffer my cooking," he said, gesturing to the single pizza box in the middle of a card table.

We let Minomon and Patamon run loose around the house while we settled at the table. Takeru and Yamato were talking easily, since they're close, but I was nervous and said very little.

Takeru was talking about a girl he had met at the party, and I realized Yamato was talking about the same thing!

"You probably know her, Takeru. She's got dark, straight hair. Kinda shy."

My mouth was dry. What was he doing?! Was he _trying_ to get me caught?

While Takeru was thinking about that, Yamato flashed me a smile.

Yeah, he was just having some fun with his oblivious brother... but it was making me nervous as hell.

Later, Takeru was attempting to clean up in the kitchen as a favor to his brother and father. I was on the other side of the apartment, just looking around, trying to calm myself down a little.

Yamato approached me and I rubbed my arm timidly, looking down.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"No," I answered bluntly. "I'm nervous. You're just so... confident... and I'm not..."

He reached up to toy with my hair and smiled. "I _really_ enjoy your company, Ken. I can't help myself."

His fingers went from my hair to trail my face, then under my chin, tilting my face up for him to kiss.

My heart raced... Takeru's going to find us like this... there'll be no more hiding.

But I wouldn't pull back. In fact, I actively kissed back, my tongue finding it's way past his lips and into his mouth.

Still kissing me, he took several steps forward, carefully leading me into one of the other rooms and shutting the door behind us. It was dark, except for the slowly setting sun shining its rays through the curtains.

Shit! Takeru is going to find us....!

A few steps later and I was being pressed into a bed covered with laundry, Yamato on top of me. It was all happening _fast_. Very fast.

And somehow, not fast enough.

The door opened... "Yamato, are you in he---Aa!"

I scrambled out from under Yamato, who hung his head defeatedly.

Takeru was speechless. He just stood there in the doorway, his eyes wide with shock.

We were caught....

I would have been so easy to blame Yamato, but I couldn't because I had wanted it as much as he had.

"Takeru, listen to me," Yamato said as he climbed off the bed. Takeru took a few steps back and then bolted into another room.

He was taking it badly.

Yamato looked at me worriedly. "Ken, I am _so_ sorry... but I really should talk to Takeru..."

I said nothing. Just nodded.

He went to the other room and I sat down on the edge of the bed.

What were we _thinking_? How far did we think we could go with someone else in the apartment?

And I was going to have to ride home with Takeru after this....

...and I was going to have to face Mama after that...

And yet, I smiled, thinking of what might have happened... what still could happen...

Flutter.

Sigh.

Yamato...

-_to be continued_-


	3. Focus

****

Flutter Part 3: Focus

by loveasthouwilt

Takeru was taking it a lot better than I originally gave him credit for.

My gaze fell to the floor and I mumbled, "You aren't going to tell anyone, are you?"

He shook his head. "It's none of their business," then he added with a smile, "It's none of _my_ business."

Yamato looked at his brother, "Then, do you mind if we..." and he pointed a thumb towards the room we had been caught in.

My eyes went wide. Was he suggesting....?!

Takeru shrugged, "Um... I guess so... but..." He rubbed the back of his neck, not sure if he was going to actually say what he was thinking.

He didn't have to. Yamato snickered, "Don't worry, Takeru, we'll be considerate of you."

I wouldn't have wanted to be Takeru right then, to be left alone while my brother went to make out with one of my best friends...

"I don't think I can do this with Takeru in there," I said as Yamato closed the door behind us, leaving the room even darker than before since the sun had moved below the tops of the buildings.

"Then we don't have to do anything," he said simply. It was too dark to see his expression.

His arms slid around my waist and he pulled me close, touching our foreheads together. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly, just holding me. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him by the shoulders.

It was almost better than kissing, to just stand there and hold each other, listening to the other breathe.

To know that at this point our greatest comforts in the world were each other.

His hands moved further up my back, pulling me even closer, and I lifted my head, touching my lips to his.

In a fashion similar to before, I found myself in the bed with him on top of me, though this time instead of fast and desperate we moved slow and deliberate.

He opened up the front of my shirt so he could kiss down my neck. My hands moved under his shirt, my fingertips trailing the soft curve of his back.

He squeezed me and shuddered. "Mmmn.. that tickles..." he purred.

I _loved_ that!

I grinned and brushed my fingertips in a fleshy area near the bottom of his spine.

Smiling, he struggled to get away by arching his back and pushing himself down against me. "Mnn..Ke..n.." he moaned playfully.

There was knocking at the door, which stopped us cold, then came Takeru's voice. "Mom called. She's downstairs waiting for us."

Yamato and I just looked at each other silently, and sighed, neither of us wanting to let go.

After a few moments, he rolled away from me, letting me button my shirt back up.

"My mother was furious about me coming over here..." I said quietly, "so I don't know when I'll get to see, or even talk, to you again..."

Yamato opened the door, sending a bright line of light across the room. "Don't worry about it," he said with a confident smile. "We'll work something out."

I walked past him, collected Minomon, and met Takeru and Patamon near the front door, Yamato close behind me.

We said our goodbyes, mine more dejected than the others, and I followed Takeru.

In the elevator, Takeru tilted his head and grinned at me. "You know, you two are actually kinda cute together."

I blushed and smiled at him agreeingly.

"The blonde and the black," he continued amusedly. "The loud and the quiet. The attitude and the modest."

Minomon and Patamon exchanged confused looks. I resolved to _try_ to explain everything to Minomon when I got home, if I survived my encounter with Mama.

Patamon would probably get a similar explanation from Takeru, despite the promise he'd made not to tell anyone. For some reason, the idea of him telling his digimon didn't bother me.

I was just relieved that he could talk to me as if nothing had changed.

"Oh, and I was going to invite you to come play soccer with Daisuke, some other guys, and me." Takeru said. "Since no one has practice after school tomorrow."

"I'll come by if I'm not grounded." I told him.

He nodded knowingly.

The conversation on the way home mostly consisted of Takeru's mother telling us about all the shopping she had done while we were at Yamato's. I guess she doesn't usually have much free time.

I told Takeru I'd see him tomorrow and then walked as slowly as I could back to my apartment, trying to come up with good excuses and counters to every argument I thought Mama could bring up.

When I got home, Mama noticed immediately. "Ken, is that you?"

"Yeah," I called out, letting Minomon into my room and closing him in there.

"Oh, thank God," she said, obviously relieved, as she rounded the corner from the living room to meet me.

I frowned at her. "What did you think I'd do?"

She didn't want to answer that, so she changed the subject. "Your principal called me on a personal note, from his home... He's worried about your grades.... Ken, why didn't you tell me you were struggling?"

I leaned against the wall. "I'm _not_ struggling. I'm just not as good as everyone else."

"Well, you used to b--"

"Well, I'm not who I used to be." I cut her off.

"Ken, I'm _worried_ about you!" she said tearfully. "You don't care about school anymore. You skip soccer practice. You go off without my permission to see this... _boy_....!"

Panged with guilt, I walked over and hugged her. "I'm so sorry... I never meant to hurt you..."

"I don't want you to see him anymore, Ken," she sobbed. "Please..."

I swallowed hard and my chest clenched tightly.

"...please, ken...please...."

I don't want to hurt her anymore...

"....please..."

"Alright, Mama," I promised, my eyes filling with tears. "Alright..."

That night, I didn't explain anything to Minomon after all.

"It doesn't matter," I told him. "It's over."

It's over.

As if a switch had been turned, I retrieved the assignment I had only done a half-assed job on earlier and threw it away. I opened up the book, looked back over the chapter and answered the questions correctly with ease. Then I took up another book to study for a test I hadn't bothered to worry about all day.

Minomon blinked at me curiously. "Wow, Ken. I haven't seen you study this hard since you were the Kaizer."

"Don't bring that up!!" I roared at him. Shocked and terrified, he hid under the bed. I didn't even feel bad about it... he shouldn't have said anything that stupid and inconsiderate...!

Remembering a contest the computer club was having, I booted up my computer and started brainstorming a program I might enter. I worked on that well into the night before finally crawling into bed.

Minomon, for the first time in months, slept on the floor...

I took a test early the next morning. By the end of the day, the grades were posted...

My name at the top of the list...

I smiled smugly as everyone stood, gaping in shock at my regained success.

Mama would be so proud when she found out...

After school, I made my way to the park near where Daisuke lived, where we would often go to play soccer against each other.

When I arrived, Daisuke temporarily pulled himself out of a game already started of about six other people. "Uh.. Hi, Ken." he greeted me timidly.

"Um... Hi." I responded in kind, though mockingly. I didn't know what he had to be so hesitant about. "Takeru invited me to come play. He isn't here yet?"

"Umm... not yet," he said, obviously avoiding eye contact.

I frowned confusedly. "Is there a problem, Daisuke?"

"No!" he blurted unconvincingly, "No, no problems! I gotta get back to the game. Bye, Ken!"

Uh... Ok...

I invited myself into the game declaring myself against Daisuke's team, which caught him by surprise because he knows I'm not as good as I used to be.

I smiled at him challengingly.

Returning the challenge, he quickly discovered that I _was_ as good as I used to be.

My team and I dominated the ball. Daisuke's team couldn't score against us to save their lives. It was exciting, to make them as unsure of themselves as I had been such a short time ago.

Takeru arrived when the game was practically over. Daisuke's team called it quits, not wanting to finalize the upset and the three of us gathered under a tree to discuss my sudden reversal.

Daisuke was sitting with his knees drawn under his chin, his arms wrapped about them. "I've only played against you like that one time before..." he said carefully.

I was standing, leaning against the tree. "I just lost my focus. I think I have it back now."

He looked up at me. "'Cause of Yamato..?" he guessed.

Takeru's eyes went wide and he looked at me to catch my reaction.

I frowned. "Who told you about that?"

"Your mom did when I called your house yesterday looking for you."

Figures Mama would do something like that. Oh well. No big deal.

"Well, it's not because of Yamato," I said. "I'm not seeing him anymore."

"What!?" Takeru demanded. "But you just found each other!"

"But he's not _good_ for me, Takeru," I argued. "I can't concentrate on school or anything else if all I think about is him."

"You didn't concentrate on that _before_ you met Yamato," Daisuke pointed out with a grin.

Yeah, but...

...Maybe he had a point...

"So how long have you been...like that, anyway?" Daisuke asked concernedly, changing the subject. "What about when you were the Kaizer?"

He _really_ didn't need to know the compromising positions I as the ruthless Kaizer had imagined him in.

So I just grinned evilly, teasing him.

His mouth gaped in horror.

I chuckled. "I'm just kidding. Not until after."

It was a lie, but one I thought was courteous in this case.

Takeru was still looking at me with that disappointed expression on his face.

"Look, you said yourself it was none of your business," I said.

"I'm just trying to help!" he yelled.

"Well, don't," I retorted unappreciatively.

I looked back and forth between the two one more time before pushing away from the tree and announcing, "I'm going home, I have homework to do. See ya around."

"Bye, Ken," I heard Daisuke say behind me. Takeru said nothing.

Mama wasn't home when I got there, which was unusual, but I'm sure she had a good reason.

Minomon, greeted me timidly from the floor.

"Sorry about last night," I said, kneeling down and rubbing his head. "I wasn't in the best mood."

I thought he was going to cry, "I'm _so_ glad we're still friends."

He's a really sensitive little guy. I don't blame him.

I finished my homework and continued work on my program for a few hours when the phone rang. Without a second thought, I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Ken?"

Yamato.

"I'm not supposed to talk to you," I said flatly.

"Is your mom there?"

I hesitated. "......yes."

"I can _tell_ you're lying, Ken...!" he said painfully.

I said nothing.

"Takeru told me..." then he stopped. I could hear his breathing, deep and tortured.

Yama...

I gritted my teeth "I'm.... not supposed to talk to you..." I repeated.

"Ken, don't let that bitch break us up! I love y--"

I hung up on him...

I stepped backwards away from the phone, pressing my back into a wall and sliding down it into the floor, drawing my knees to my chin and crying.

I love you, too...

The phone rang again.

I didn't answer it, even though I wanted to terribly.

It must have continued to ring for twenty minutes before he finally gave up.

The silence was... engulfing... lonely...

Yama...

I picked up the phone and called him back, but no one answered.

That's when Mama came home and spotted me with the phone in my hand.

"Who are you talking to?" she demanded.

"I just got off the phone with Daisuke," I said.

She eyed me suspiciously. She could tell I'd been crying. "Go to your room," she said. "No more phone calls."

I hurried away before she started asking any more questions.

Some time later, I was startled by the sound of my mother yelling at someone.

"_You_!! Get out of here, right now!!"

Y-Yamato....?

I ran into the hall.

It _was_ him! He came over here...?

He looked around Mama and saw me. "Ken! I have to talk to you," he begged.

Mama closed the door in front of him and locked it. Then she turned to me "Go back to your room," she ordered.

She stood between me and the door, knowing I would be through it the second she moved.

Then I had an idea.

I went to my room and opened the window, leaning out and watching the sidewalk. It seemed like forever before I finally saw him walk by.

"YAMA!" I yelled, hoping he would hear me. Mama did, for sure. She screamed at me furiously from elsewhere in the apartment, but I had already locked my door.

He spun around, looked up and spotted me.

I tucked a wild strand of dark hair behind my ear and called down to him, "I love you!"

He grinned up at me.

My beautiful blonde.

"We can make it through this!" he yelled back confidently.

I rested both my arms on the windowsill and watched him dreamily.

Yama...

We can make this work...

I just know it...

__

to be continued


	4. Smile

****

Flutter Part 4: Smile

by loveasthouwilt

The room was dark save the hot shine of my desk lamp onto an open science book, and the white glare of the computer monitor, both which dimmed the small glow of the moon through the window.

I was sitting with my elbows set on the desk, my face resting in my hands.

You know how you can read a few paragraphs from a given assignment, then realize that you weren't paying attention and have no idea what you just read?

The story of my life...

I wish I could show Mama that I really am doing the best I can. She _told_ me I could stop being Osamu, so why is she so damned concerned about my grades? What did she think, that I would _choose_ to continue being him after all?

After telling me I could be myself, she doesn't like who I am...?

What am I supposed to do?

I don't want to _be_ that other person.

I have friends, now. I have fun.

I don't feel so alone...

But she doesn't care about _any_ of that...

Sigh.

Yamato.

I miss him...

I've only been grounded for a few days... and I'm so lonely I can't stand myself.

Minomon is here, of course, and he's always here for a hug when I need it, but other than that he can't really help me, not this time.

And I need help...

It's so _degrading_ ...

I can't ask for help...

I'm Ichijouji Ken. I'm not supposed to need help...!

I'm supposed to be smart enough to figure stuff out on my own. Especially schoolwork.

That Ken isn't me... yet I still feel him... and I'm still expected to be him...

I picked up the textbook and held it open-faced to my chest, one hand cradling the binder as I walked into the room where Mama and Papa were watching television.

"Mama?"

Both of them turned to look at me curiously.

"Could someone...help me..."

Humiliation. Self-disgust.

I'm such a failure.

Mama's face lit up and her eyes glittered with happy tears.

Yeah. Smile. Be happy your child admits to ignorance.

I looked away from her to prevent myself from glaring.

She brings out the Kaizer in me.

I hope I'm not starting to hate her...

"Sure, I'll help you, Ken," Papa said. I was happier to accept his help. I didn't really want to spend time with Mama.

He turned on the overhead light as we went back to my room--he doesn't like the dark as much as I do--and asked me about the subject.

As it turned out, he wasn't any more helpful with the assignment than I expected him to be.

But his enthusiastic willingness to help despite that was a _great_ comfort.

"Whew, that was hard," he commented when we decided to put the textbook away. I was still sitting at the desk and he was standing next to me. "It's amazing that used to be easy for you!"

"Being the best was all I cared about then." I said solemnly.

As intended, he showed signs of guilt, sighing and looking away from me.

"I'd like to think that by loving someone other than... myself... that I've become a better person."

I shook my head sadly, "But Mama doesn't seem to see it that way...all she sees is..."

I didn't have to finish the sentence. He knew what I meant.

"Well, _I'm_ glad you found a boyfriend," he said. "Admittedly surprised it's a boy, but if that's your thing, I'm happy for you." He ruffled my hair, "Get's your mind off serious things for a change."

I grinned and ran my hand through my hair in casual attempt to fix it. I felt a lot better knowing at least one of my parents approved. Since I have to live with them, after all.

And because I love them.

"I'll talk to your mother, okay."

I smiled and nodded. "Thank you."

Then he left my room... left me feeling more hopeful than ever.

For several days after that, Papa helped me with my assignments. After a while I started to catch on again and could do the work easily without much help. My soccer playing still left something to be desired, but I was just there to have fun, anyway.

The next time test grades were posted in the hall, the crowd parted for me--as it still did--and I checked the list. I was third! Third!

I couldn't wait to tell Papa!

After soccer practice I went straight home, as I was expected to. Mama was already there, of course. She had been watching me like a hawk for a week, especially since Papa had taken my side.

I sighed.

How long was I going to be grounded, anyway...?

I went to my room, where Minomon pointed out to me a note Mama had left on my desk.

-Hikari called-

I crumpled the note in my hand angrily.

Sure, Mama will tell me who calls if it's from a _girl_ . She doesn't even know Hikari.

Oh well.

I went to the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello."

"Hikari?"

"Ken!" she squealed. "Oh, I'm so glad you called! Yamato and Taichi and Takeru have been trying to call you, but you never call back."

"Well, I _am_ grounded, after all."

There was a short silence. "Why can you call me, then?"

"You're a girl." I said flatly.

Another silence. Then, "...Ooohh...!"

I rolled my eyes. Brilliant.

"Well," she continued. "we wanted to know if you could come over here to hang out tonight. Mom and Dad aren't here and they said we could invite some friends over as long as we kept the place clean. Taichi and I will be here, and Takeru and Daisuke...Iori, Miyako and Koushirou...._Yamato_..."

She emphasized that last name just to tease me... and it worked...

I miss him...

Yama..

I licked my lips. "What time?"

No answer.

"Hikari?"

"Huh?..oh...hold on." I could hear her leaving the phone. Then some indecipherable noises.

Then giggling...

Someone snatching up the phone...

"Hey, baby!"

My heart leapt...!

Yama!!

I almost said it out loud, which would have been disastrous since Mama was listening to the conversation.

And it was _hard_ not to grin dreamily like some kind of giddy girl.

"Are you going to come over here?" he asked, as excited and carefree as usual.

"Well, I'm grounded, but I could ask." I glanced at Mama nervously.

"Is your mom there now?"

"Yes."

"Well, tell her to go away so we can talk dirty," he joked.

I grinned and hoped I wasn't blushing.

Seeing the smile on Mama's face quickly turned my amusement into anger. I hope I _was_ blushing. That way Mama could have her little fantasy about Hikari and me.

"So how's school?" Yamato asked.

"Great!" I was excited to talk about my success. "Papa's been helping me and my grades have gotten a lot higher."

"That's great, Ken. Maybe you could help me with _my_ homework sometime."

I smiled. "I'd like that..." Anything to be with you.

"Me too," he said softly. "I've missed you a lot..."

I've missed kissing you.

But I couldn't say that. Not with Mama there. So I said nothing.

"How are you planning on getting here?" he asked, breaking the thoughtful silence.

I sighed. "Easy," and I glanced in Mama's direction again.

Disappointingly easy.

"Then get your butt over here!!"

I grinned. "Okay."

"Bye, Ken!"

"Bye..."

Sigh.

I hung up the phone. "Mama, Hikari needs a study partner and wanted to know if I could come over and help her."

She smiled. "Sure, Ken. That sounds wonderful! Do you need a ride?"

I nodded. "Yes, actually."

Ugh... How easily she agrees to drop me off at some girl's house, _any_ girl's house, with some slim, misguided hope that I'll see something in her that I don't see in Yamato.

Oh well.

Just under a half-hour later, I arrived at Hikari's apartment and Taichi let me in.

I spotted Yamato immediately and smiled shyly at him.

Everything within me wanted to launch at him ... and I _smile shyly_...

I'm so pathetic.

He left his conversation with Koushirou and Miyako to greet me, pulling me into a hug.

I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed in the smell of his hair, my hands clenching his back.

He's so warm...

God, I've missed him.

Suddenly remembering that we were in the presence of others, I pulled away, blushing.

Then Hikari came up and hugged me, but then frowned playfully. "What, no 'Thank You' for rescuing you?"

I smiled at her. "Thanks, Hikari. I owe you one." And with that, she went off to flirt with Koushirou, despite the flirting already going on between him and Miyako. Takeru, Daisuke and Iori hadn't arrived yet.

Yamato, Taichi and I went to sit on the couch, me in the middle.

Yama's fingers threaded between mine.

"We went to the studio today to record a few songs," He said as we sat down, referring to his band. "If we're lucky we'll get a spot on the air in a few days."

"Do _you_ write the songs?" I asked curiously. I don't know anything about the music business... but it's important to him, so I'm interested.

He rubbed the back of his neck, "Yeah, most of them." Then he grinned slyly. "_Taichi_ writes the really sappy stuff!"

I glanced at Taichi, wondering if his friendship with Yamato was something threatening...

"Yeah, but you don't sing those..." Taichi said, faking disappointment.

"Well, maybe I'll start," Yamato replied, smiling at me.

That smile I would die for.

"He's a damn good kisser, too, ne?" Taichi said, elbowing me. Yamato blushed frantically.

Very threatened...!!

My eyes widened, "What?!"

"I... uh.. told you... I used to flirt with him..." Yamato explained to me with much embarrassment, though still grinning. "The kiss... pretty much ended it..."

I didn't want to know any more of this story...!

Always a battle between these two to outdo the other... and I now caught in the middle.

Seeing how uncomfortable this conversation had made me, Yamato scooted right up against me and breathed into my ear, "I'm glad he turned me down..." then he licked my earlobe, sending a cold shiver up my back.

"Hey, none of that!" Miyako said from across the room. "If I don't have a boyfriend to make out with, you two can't with yours either!"

Yamato grinned and squeezed my thigh, "She's just mad 'cause _I_ got you."

"I heard that!"

But we were close enough now that we were really eager...

Taichi gave us permission to use his room.

Thank God!

Yamato's hand slid into my hair and he kissed me passionately.

I've missed him.

I've missed him _so_ much...

I took a step back, pulling him with me towards the nearest bed, but when we got to it I manipulated him to end up on _his_ back.

He smiled up at me... that gorgeous smile... blonde hair feathered all around his face...

I wondered if he had ever imagined himself under Taichi in this bed.

That thought was interrupted by him pulling me down, kissing me.

I suppose I wasn't being fair... After all, I've imagined myself under Daisuke countless times... as well as on top...

Though not recently.

Yamato.

Only Yamato.

I repositioned myself to lie on him easier, continuing our kiss and wrapping my arms about his shoulders

I had never been on top before, so I just started experimenting, kissing a trail up the slope of his neck.

Catching a grin on his face, and knowing how ticklish he is, I fluttered my tongue against the skin behind his ear.

"Ken!" he gasped, hugging me tightly.

"Shh..!" I hissed half-heartedly between giggles.

"Tickling's not fair," he pouted playfully, sliding his hands up the back of by shirt.

"Sure, it is!" I assured him, toying with his hair, feeling his chest press against mine as he breathed.

His eyebrows raised mischievously, "Oh, is that right?"

I licked my lips, "Yes, but only when I do it."

He reached up to tuck dark hair behind my ear, then cupped his hand around the back of my skull and pulled me into another kiss.

He tasted wonderful...

He pressed up against me, signaling for me to roll over so he could be on top, which I cheerfully obliged.

But instead of embracing me desperately like I expected, he surprised me with slow, tender kisses, the kind where our lips just barely touched and just barely parted.

"I love you," he whispered between kisses.

I smiled and he stopped to smile back, looking down at me with crystal blue eyes..

And I tickled him...

"Ahhh!" He yelled and rolled away from me. I moved to kneel over him, continuing my attack and he continued to yell and defend himself playfully until there was banging on the door.

"Courteousy. Please!" Came Miyako's angry voice.

I blushed.

Like I was bold enough to do whatever they thought we were doing!

Yamato sat up, wrapping an arm around my waist and kissing me, those slow kisses again, each time his tongue only briefly meeting mine before retreating back into his mouth.

My whole body tingled with the thrill of his tenderness.

My Yama.

My love.

The door opened and Takeru was standing there with his hands on his hips.

"Are you two going to be social with anyone except each other?" He asked with a grin.

Sigh.

Yamato kissed me on the cheek before climbing off the bed. When we left the room, I was behind Takeru and Yama was behind me.

I spotted Iori, but there was still another missing.

My best friend.

"Where's Daisuke?" I asked Takeru as Yama wrapped his arms around me from behind, his cheek pressed against my ear.

"His parents wouldn't let him come," Takeru explained disappointedly. "I don't think they want him to hang around you, Ken."

I cringed sadly.

Not Daisuke....

No wonder he never tries to call anymore...

It just one thing after another...

I'm not going to let this ruin the night, though...

I spent much of the time taking note of my friends' reactions to my relationship with Yamato. Takeru, Hikari, and Taichi were obviously not bothered at all by it, though Miyako and Iori noticeably were.

Iori's always been nervous around me so this just made it worse. He quietly avoided me like he always does. No big loss.

Miyako's disapproval was much more verbal. She threw a tantrum every time Yama and I got too close... just told us to back off.

It was annoying, but that's Miyako, so whatever.

I'm surprised she even noticed us, as busy as she was fighting with Hikari over Koushirou, who just grinned amusedly the whole time.

At one point, the phone rang and Taichi answered it. "Oh, hello _Daisuke_"

I snapped to attention.

"Ken's here," Taichi continued, "Do ya want to talk to him?"

I left Yamato on the couch and walked toward the phone, but Taichi never handed it over...

"Uh huh," he was saying. "Oh.....uh... okay...Okay, I'll tell him....Bye."

Then he hung up...!

Taichi sighed. "I don't think it's just Daisuke's parents ... that didn't want him to come..."

"What!? But...?" I was stuttering. "He...He was _fine_ with it last week when I talked to him!" I looked at Takeru, "Wasn't he?"

"Yeah, but," Takeru shook his head, "I think he _was_ really shaken. You two were really close... It probably freaked him out."

"It's not like I tried to kiss him." I said angrily.

Not that I hadn't played that in my mind before...

...I think things like that and expect Yamato not to think of Taichi...

I wonder if a part of us will always fantasize about that first unobtainable love...

Shit, no wonder Daisuke's freaked out...

"...Then, why did he call?" I said, trying to change the subject.

"Your mom doesn't know this number so she had Daisuke call. She's on her way to come get you."

I turned around and looked longingly at Yamato.

He came around the couch and took my hands in his.

Miyako wrinkled her nose and looked away.

Little things like that...hurt... I can't ignore it...

I've tried so hard to gain their trust and approval, and now to lose them over _this_?

Over love...?

It's not fair!!

Yama squeezed my hands, trying to cheer me up a little.

...sometimes I wish he would just be sad with me.

I wanted him to hold me... and he couldn't even do _that_, in the name of 'courteousy.'

It might be weeks before I get to see him again...

I want him to hold me...

Having thus made everyone very uncomfortable, I left to go back to Taichi's room and sat on the edge of the bed. At least if I wasn't in the same room with them, they could pretend this problem doesn't exist for a while.

A surprisingly long minute later, Yama joined me. He kneeled down in front of me resting his arms in my lap and looking up at me thoughtfully.

Sigh.

He's gorgeous.

I threaded my fingers into his hair absently and he closed his eyes, leaning into my hand.

'I love you' simply doesn't describe...

Then he sighed and looked away sadly.

"What's wrong?" I asked. I didn't like to see him looking sad... not my cheerful Yama...

"Ken... do you ever wish... I had just kept my mouth shut and not dragged you into all this?"

"No!" I responded immediately. What was he thinking?!

He sighed. "I just... feel responsible... I was never as close to the original Chosen as you are to your friends. I should have been more considerate..."

"Yama..." I tried to catch his eyes but he wouldn't face me.

"Yama, I love you. No matter what happens, I love you and I won't regret anything..."

He shook his head, "I know you think you mean that..."

He started to push away from me, but I grabbed him by the arms. "Don't...!"

Frowning, he looked up at me.

"Please," I begged, "just kiss me."

Slowly, the smile returned to his face and he pushed up close enough for our lips to meet.

Hikari chose that moment to knock on the door and remind me that Mama would be showing up soon and that I should go downstairs to wait for her.

Yama ignored her completely, pressing me back into the bed with a sweet kiss and nibbling my lip.

I tried telling him that I should go, but he kept cutting me off by grinning and kissing me. Then I started giggling between his kisses and couldn't talk anyway.

He loves to play. It's so cute.

But I really needed to go... I didn't want to... but I really did need to.

So I tickled him to get his attention.

"Okay, okay," he gasped.

So, after one last kiss, I left the apartment, accompanied by Hikari. Mama expected me to have been with Hikari this whole time, after all.

Not much was said between us. Except I thanked her again for helping me get out of the house.

She closed her eyes and smiled. "You're welcome."

She's really sweet. I can see why Daisuke likes her...

About ten minutes later, Mama stopped in front of the building, waiting for me. I climbed into the front seat and waved bye to Hikari.

The drive home started out surprisingly quiet. I had expected Mama to want to know all kinds of things about Hikari, to check and see if I had shown any interest in her. Or at least to know if I had been any help to her.

I didn't know she was building up her courage to ask something entirely different.

"Ken..." she started, deliberately keeping her eyes ahead of her and not even glancing at me, "your father and I have been talking..."

My heart raced anxiously. Had Papa broken through the ice?

"...We were thinking... that you could invite Yamato to dinner... so we could meet him..."

Meet him! She wanted to meet him!

"Okay, Mama," I said flatly, hiding my excitement.

She was giving him a chance!

Surely..._Surely_ after meeting him she would agree how wonderful he is.

She just has to...!

Because he _is_ wonderful...

I gazed out the window and smiled. "You'll love him too," I said, "I just know it..."

She sighed defeatedly and kept watching the road.

She doesn't want to... but she will...

She just has to...

__

to be continued


	5. Love

_ ****_

A/N: Umm... I don't know anything about Japanese dinner customs, so I just kinda play on the idea that my readers don't either ; Pretty big assumption, ne?

****

Flutter Part 5 : Love

by loveasthouwilt

Daisuke opened the door. When he saw that it was me, he gasped and quickly attempted to shut me out. Expecting as much, I calmly set my foot to jam the door. "We need to talk." I said ominously.

I don't take pleasure in seeming so cold. It's an old shield I used to employ to keep my feelings for Daisuke a secret. Though the crush has come and gone, I can't seem to slough the visage. Old habits die hard, I guess.

So instead of desperately begging for him to let me in, I just stood there with my foot in the door and a look on my face that said he'd better let me in or else.

After a few thoughtful moments, my foot scooted forward, opening the door as Daisuke moved away from it defeatedly.

I let myself in and watched Daisuke shuffle to the next room.

"Dammit, Daisuke. Stop running away."

I followed him unhurriedly, knowing he could only run so far. He appeared to be alone in the apartment, as was usual. Trapping him in his room was probably not the best way to approach him, but he really didn't leave me much choice in the matter.

"Okay, Daisuke..." I challenged angrily as I opened his door, but I never finished because I was worried to find him sitting against one of his walls with his knees drawn up under his chin. He wasn't wearing his goggles, his skin was a tint paler, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days.

I don't understand why he's taking this so much harder than the others. Even if he is correctly assuming some of the things I used to think about him, he doesn't have _anything_ to worry about. I'm not interested in him like that any more. I know better. And I have Yama, now.

On the other hand, he has had a lot of time to really _think_ about it... and he might have just decided it really is as sick and wrong as it can be made out to be.

Whatever the case, he looked _really_ hurt. I felt like...hugging him or something. But under the circumstances I figured touching him in any way would be extremely destructive.

So I sat down beside him, close but not too close, and drew my knees up in much the same manner his were. After studying him for a while, watching him stare blindly into nothing, I knew I was going to have to say something first.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked flatly. Easier to show no emotion than to let the pain free.

"No." he croaked. Then he coughed a few times to clear his voice. Always looking straight ahead.

I paused to consider my words. He was probably only going to answer yes/no questions so I had to get as much out of them as possible. "Are you... sad because of something I did?"

He didn't say anything, which said a lot more than he intended.

"Are you..." my voice was starting to shake, and I had to stop for a moment to regain control. "Are you afraid of me?" Afraid of getting too close?

"No."

My brow furrowed and my lips parted. No? Then why run away from me? Why avoid me?

"Do you think I'm disgusting or perverted or something?" Now the pain was coming through, but it sounded like anger. I didn't mean for it to. A question like that should have been handled tactfully. Now, even if Daisuke's answer was yes, he'd blurt out no because I got angry.

"No, it's nothing like that." He said with easy sincerity.

I carefully allowed concern into my voice. "Are we still friends?"

A smile edged his lips. "Yes."

I leaned back, letting my head bump against the wall, and sighed with relief. "I was worried there for a while." I said casually.

He lifted his head and looked at me. "Really?"

I looked back at him, "Of course." Then I had an idea of what might be bothering him. "Just because I'm with Yamato doesn't mean I don't care about my other friends. Especially you."

He looked disappointed in my answer and set his chin back on his knees. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, he proves me wrong.

He licked his lips apprehensively. "Can...I ask you something?"

"Yes." Good. He was going to open up a little.

He hugged his knees closer and took a deep breath. "Why are you gay?"

Why I didn't expect that, I'll never know, but it threw me totally off guard, shattering my stony mask. "I... don't know... how to answer that..." I sputtered.

Reddish-brown brows drew together and he turned his head to face me. "No, I want to know. What do you look for in a boyfriend?"

The challenge in his voice made me really tense. This was getting extremely personal!

And why should Daisuke want to know about something like that, anyway?

I felt like I owed him an answer, if only because he's been such an understanding friend, so taking a deep breath to calm myself, I drew my knees closer to myself.

"I guess... I just want someone stronger than I am, physically and emotionally..." I offered. "Someone who will protect me... someone who is hard and soft at the same time..." Then I smiled a little, "...someone who likes to play..."

Sigh... Yama...

I glanced at Daisuke, who was watching and listening disturbingly intently, and I quickly looked back forward.

When he realized I wasn't going to say anything else, he went back to frowning at his knees. "I've been thinking..." he said quietly, "that the person I want to be with is probably someone... strong-willed... but still soft... who'll tell me when I've screwed up, but doesn't get mad at me... someone who likes me for who I am and who doesn't play stupid games..."

My hands moved to the floor on either side of me. "Is that what you've been thinking about all this time?" I asked confusedly. "Re-evaluating your relationship with Hikari?"

He sighed. "Sort of..."

I scowled at him. "Then why were you avoiding me?!"

He lifted his head and caught my eyes with his, his chocolate gaze sad and longing.

My scowl dissolved into shock, my eyes wide and my lips parted.

Oh... Shit!

And I just watched him dumbly as he turned to kneel in front of me, putting his hands on my knees and slowly nearing his face to mine.

No... This is wrong... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Yet I just sat there, stunned, as his lips clumsily found mine.

Daisuke...

My unobtainable love...

I leaned into the kiss, my fingers clutching the carpet in desperate attempt to keep my hands off of him.

Daisuke...

My lips parted...

Shit!! Ken! Stop!

With a gasp, I jerked my head back, violently breaking the kiss, my whole body shaking.

This is wrong.

The whole reason I ever fantasized about Daisuke is because I couldn't have him. It was a lust that used to amuse the Kaizer.

It's not amusing any more.

I shook my head. "I can't, Daisuke...."

He backed off of me sadly. "Because you'd hurt Yamato."

"Because I _love_ Yamato."

He said nothing.

I love Yamato. I love the strength of his embrace, the warmth and softness of his skin, the passion in his kiss, the confidence in his smile, the humor in his eyes.

I love Yamato.

"I'm _really_ sorry, Daisuke." I said downheartedly. "I don't know what else to say."

Still, he said nothing, just frowned.

"Can we still be friends?" I asked, fearing the worst.

He snorted scornfully.

"_Please_" I begged. "I don't know what I'd do without your friendship."

"Yeah, I guess so," he said halfheartedly. Then he casually changed the subject. "You want to play video games?"

"Sure..."

I know the whole point of me coming over here was to fix things, not avoid them, but ... I just wanted try to forget any of this ever happened.

He gave me a crooked smile. "I get first player."

"Oi, you always get first player."

"That's cause I'm the leader!"

"It's cause you're a brat." I teased.

He closed his eyes and grinned agreeingly. Then he started up the game system. Nothing more was said about that kiss. It wasn't a problem if it wasn't mentioned.

It wasn't a problem...

Yamato was late. Very late.

Mama had become a nervous wreck, bustling around the kitchen, rearranging items in the cabinets, wiping off countertops over and over, checking to make sure the food was still warm, looking mindlessly into the refrigerator for nothing imparticular, washing her hands.... wringing her hands.

_I_ shouldn't have been nervous at all! This was going to work out great. Mama would see how wonderful Yamato is and we wouldn't have to sneak around her anymore.

But he's late. Not a good first impression.

Doesn't he know any better?

I was sitting at the dining table, looking down at the expensive white plate in front of me.

There was still a part of me that _didn't_ want to see him, the part that needed to admit what had happened with Daisuke. There had been an unsaid agreement between Daisuke and me that we wouldn't say anything to anyone about it, but... I _kissed_ him. Sure he kissed me first, but I kissed back...

I had to tell Yamato. It wouldn't be fair to him if I didn't.

Papa walked behind me, ruffling my hair as he passed. "Cheer up, Ken. It's not the end of the world."

I sighed. It might be...

My mind wandered back to Daisuke. I can't believe he kissed me. I _had_ to turn him down. I love Yama. But... what's he going to do now?

No... I'm sure he'll be fine. He's just confused. He'll get over it.

He'll be fine.

Where in the _hell_ is Yama!

Sigh.

"Ken," Papa said from the hallway. "I think your friend is at the door. Why don't you answer it?"

Yama!

I hopped up from the table and walked hastily to the front door, running a hand through my hair nervously before opening it.

He was wearing baggy khakis and a striped button-up long-sleeved shirt that wasn't tucked in, which I took as an attempt to dress up in a Yamato kind of way.

He would have looked wonderful to me no matter what he was wearing.

He smiled broadly at me.

This dinner was important, and his confidence worried me. I hoped he recognized the need not necessarily to be himself, but to impress my parents.

I let him in and introduced him to Mama and Papa.

"Thank you for inviting me," Yamato said with a bow. "I'm glad to finally meet you."

When he looked back up, Papa was smiling, Mama was glaring.

"Come on in and sit down," Papa offered. "I'm starving." There was thankfully nothing in his voice that suggested that he wouldn't be starving if Yamato had arrived on time.

Mama immediately turned and went back into the kitchen to bring out the meal, and I, as nervously and wordlessly as she, took a seat at the dining table. Yamato sat next to me and Papa sat across from him.

The smile was gone from Yamato's face, which made me wonder if he was edgy after all.

"So, tell me something about yourself," Papa said to Yamato. "Ken tells us you're in a band?"

"Yeah," Yamato said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm... singer and songwriter. In fact, the band is why I was so late getting here." He glanced at me then down at the table. "We were trying to get some time on the radio, but no one will take us on yet." He looked back at Papa and gave a kind of disappointed smile. "So I guess we'll go on playing at birthdays and dance parties."

Mama came out of the kitchen and started setting food on the table. "Is that where you're devoting your future then?" she asked unenthusiastically without looking at him. "The music business."

"I'm just a teenager, Ichijouji-san," he said, trying to smile. "I'm not devoting my future to anything yet."

"What about school?" she pressed, this time catching his eyes challengingly. "Are you devoted to _that_?"

"Mama!" Papa scolded. "Be polite."

"I'm not at the top of my class, if that's what you're asking," Yamato told her. "But I work hard and I get by."

Unimpressed, Mama narrowed her eyes, then her attention turned to me. "Ken, you're not saying much." I held my breath and looked at her helplessly. "What do you think about Yamato and his band... thing."

"I... I've heard them play once, at that party when I first met Yamato." I looked down again, avoiding any eye contact. I hated being put on the spot like that. "They sounded really good... I'm not familiar with the business, but _I_ think that if they keep trying they'll get a recording contract." I had no clue what I was talking about, and I was sure I sounded like a total idiot.

Mama shook her head, unconvinced, and motioned for us to help ourselves. For a while all conversation stopped, but then Papa started it up again.

"What do you two actually _do_ together?" he asked looking between us both.

Yamato's brows drew together, "Umm.." and he looked at me, as if I had an answer.

Mostly make out. You gonna tell them that?

Shit... what _do_ we do, other than that...?

"Talk about stuff, mostly." He finally said. "School and family and friends." He shrugged. "Just talk."

"So you really have nothing in common," Mama summarized, "except... the obvious..."

Now Yamato was glaring back at her. "More than you assume," he snapped.

Ooh, that wasn't good. Yamato didn't need to be picking a fight with my mother.

Papa quickly broke the ensuing silence by addressing me. "How was Daisuke when you went to see him today? Your mother said he sounded sick when she last spoke to him."

Mama and Yamato both turned to look at me, the malice gone from their eyes, replaced by curiosity.

I felt sick to my stomach.

"Um..." I shrugged "He seemed okay. A little tired. We played video games."

He kissed me.

I was fiercely startled by the crack of Yamato's glass as it went rolling across the table, tea and ice spilling everywhere. He cursed and stood up, his shirt soaking.

You would have thought I had said that last sentence out loud, considering the commotion that followed, but luckily it was just a cruel coincidence.

"I'll go get a towel," Mama said with irritation as she stood and went off to the other room.

Papa was already working with napkins to contain the mess. "Ken, go get Yamato a different shirt." he said absently.

While Papa wasn't looking, I grabbed some food for Minomon held it behind my back. "Ok, Papa."

I led Yamato into my room, not bothering to turn on the light since I had left the lamp on earlier.

"I get the feeling this isn't going well," Yamato said as he watched me fetch Minomon from my bed.

"Got that impression, ne?" I said sarcastically, putting Minomon and the food both on my desk.

Yamato frowned angrily. "Well, it's not like you're saying anything to improve the situation."

I went to my closet and pulled out the first button-up shirt I found and tossed it to him. "Maybe that's because there's nothing to say to make things better."

He held the shirt in one hand and started unbuttoning the one he was wearing. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know...." I groaned, looking towards Minomon. "I just thought this was going to be easy, but Mama's not giving you the chance I thought she would. I trusted her more than that."

Then I looked back at Yamato. He was already stuffing his arms into my replacement shirt. And he wasn't making a move to button the shirt up, either. He looked good bare-chested.

I have to tell him... I don't want to! I want to just forget about it...

But I can't do that... I have to tell him.

"What would you do if Taichi kissed you?" I asked pointedly.

"I'd hit him. Why?"

"I'm being serious."

"So am I."

I sighed angrily.

"Nothing is _ever_ going to happen between me and Taichi," he said comfortingly. Then he tilted his head questioningly. "Why would you even think that?"

I hugged myself apprehensively, attempting to control my trembling, and frowned at the ground. I was leading this in totally the wrong direction.

"Daisuke kissed me," I confessed.

The inquiry on Yamato's face was immediately replaced by devastation.

"And... I didn't mean to... but I kissed him back..."

He recoiled and looked away sadly, starting to button up the shirt. I reached out and grabbed his hand, stopping him.

"I just wanted you to know that it happened," I explained. "I didn't mean for it to, and it's not going to happen again. I'm not in love with Daisuke." I took my hand off of him, feeling far to low to deserve his comforting touch.

"Jeez, Ken, scare me to death," he teased breathlessly, pulling me into a hug. "I thought for sure I couldn't compete with Daisuke if something like this happened."

I closed my eyes and held him tightly, calmed by the warmth of so much of his bare skin. "I never want anyone but you."

He sighed happily, his breath hot against my neck.

The embrace relaxed. "Does that mean... that Daisuke's gay too?" he asked.

"No." was my immediate answer. "He's just confused. We won't talk about it and he'll get over it."

Yamato frowned and backed away from me. "That's horrible!"

"W-What??" What did I say?

"'He'll get over it'?" he shouted at me. "He doesn't need you to pretend nothing's wrong. He needs you to be there for him so he can figure himself out. Otherwise he's going to continue to mindlessly chase Hikari or some other girl because he's expected to, not because he wants to. And he'll be unhappy."

"Don't yell at me!" I growled mournfully. "I don't want him to get hurt! He'll be happier without _this_ to deal with!"

"Ken, you _know_ better."

"No!!" I insisted, trying to keep my voice down, trying to hold back tears. "He's just confused. We won't encourage him and he'll be fine."

He'll be fine...!

"I want him to be normal," I sobbed as Yama reached out for me comfortingly. "I don't want his parents to hate him! I don't want his friends to abandon him...! I don't want him to be shunned and hated and hurt!!"

"I bet you sound just like your mother," Yama said gently.

After all she's put us through, he still gives her the benefit of a doubt.

All I want is for no one to be hurt.

But life just doesn't work that way.

There was movement in the hall and when we turned to look, we could see a shadow moving across the light coming underneath the closed door.

How long had Mama been standing out there?

I backed away from Yamato, wiping my eyes. "We'd better go back in there," I said. "It doesn't take this long to change a shirt..."

His ice blue eyes locked on mine and he smiled, "Everything is going to work out, Ken... really!"

I nodded hopefully.

He buttoned up his shirt while following me into the hall. We separated when I went towards the bathroom to wash the redness from my face and he went back into the living room.

On my way to join him, Mama called me from her room. I found her standing on the balcony looking down into the streets thoughtfully.

"Yes, Mama?"

She looked at me briefly, and then returned her gaze below and sighed. "I tried, Ken... I'm sorry..."

I rested my arms on the rail next to her. "I'm sorry, too."

She shook her head. "I just... I just can't make myself believe that this ... choice of lifestyle... is beyond your control."

"Maybe it _is_ my choice," I said sneeringly, fed up with being unhappy.

She looked toward me, her hands gripping the guardrail. "I don't approve of it, Ken. I _don't_. There's no _sense_ in it! To ... stupidly put yourself in a situation that guarantees grief."

Stupidly?!

"_You're_ the only one who causes me any grief!" I retorted angrily.

She glared at me wordlessly.

"I'm gay, Mama," I said straightforwardly. "I will always be gay. You _can't_ change that."

"Why?!" she cried.

I searched desperately for an explanation that would be appropriate to tell my _mother_ and drew a blank. "That's just how it is..."

"That's not an answer, Ken," she replied, wiping away angry tears.

"He makes me happy," I offered calmly. "He comforts me like no one else can. I _need_ him."

Her lips parted worriedly. "Are you really so unhappy that you need that kind of comfort?"

My gaze fell to the floor. "Sometimes."

Her shoulders dropped despairingly. "Ken...." I walked back into the apartment and sat on the edge of her bed.

I watched her from the corner of my eyes. How she went back to looking over the rail thoughtfully, and how she hesitated to come back inside. Then I just stared at the floor, knowing that she sat beside me because the bed sank down a little.

She rested a hand gently on my knee.

"Alright, Ken."

I looked down at her hand. It was shaking.

"I don't understand what you're feeling," she said quietly. "Maybe I don't need to... I just want you to be happy... and if he does that for you... than I'm happy for you..."

I smiled, placing my hand on hers and squeezing lovingly. "Thank you." I whispered.

She sighed and slid her hand around the back of my neck, pulling me toward her and pressing our foreheads together. "I love you," she murmured tenderly.

I closed my eyes and nodded lightly. "I know you do, Mama. I love you, too."

Daisuke darted past me with an arrogant smirk and slammed the soccer ball into the goal.

"Ha! Take that, Ichijouji!" He grinned lightheartedly.

I stuck my nose in the air, put my hand to my mouth, and yawned dramatically. "Gloat if you will, Daisuke," I teased, catching the ball with my foot as it rolled towards me, "you're still going to loose."

His eyes narrowed in mock challenge.

I feinted the ball one direction and kicked it the other, sending Daisuke sliding in the wet grass, his arms flailing. I didn't bother to make the goal--no one was keeping score anyway--and offered to help him up.

"I could have got you if the ground wasn't so wet," he complained as I pulled him back on his feet.

"Excuses, excuses," I chanted jokingly.

It thundered and Daisuke looked up at the sky disappointedly. "Is it going to start raining again?" he whined.

I nodded. "Looks like it."

He looked back at me excitedly. "I bet it's not raining in the Digiworld!"

I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes, smirking. "That's not the reason you want to go the Digiworld, and you know it."

"Yeah, so!" he slipped passed me, stealing the ball and dribbling away.

"Yamato says he's going to write a song for you two!" I called out as he ran away, which stopped him in his tracks.

"Really?"

I sprinted towards him, forcing him to defend the ball. "Yeah, he says it's romantic that you have to cross _worlds_ to see each other."

He beamed. "Yeah, it is, ne?"

"Ken!!"

Yama!

I spun around, and Daisuke launched past me, making another point.

"Cheater," I accused good-humoredly as I started to walk towards Yamato.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Yama cheerfully.

"I was looking for you so we could go out and your mom said you were here with Daisuke," he explained. "Which is good, cause I needed to ask Daisuke a question."

"Huh!?" Daisuke called out, hearing his name.

Yamato motioned for Daisuke to come over, "I was writing a song for you, but I can't for the life of me remember what that boy's name is..."

Daisuke blushed and looked away, mumbling something under his breath.

"What was that?" I teased.

"Wallace!" he shouted with a grin.

Yamato smiled and waved his hand dismissively, "Well, that doesn't help! Nothing rhymes with Wallace..."

Embarrassed, Daisuke rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well, you don't mind if I steal Ken from you for a while," Yamato asked Daisuke, wrapping an arm around me.

He shook his head. "No, go ahead. I don't want to play soccer in the rain, anyway."

"I'll talk to you online later," I said to Daisuke, then added with a sly grin. "If you're not too busy..."

He stuck his tongue out at me.

I laughed. "See ya later, Daisuke."

As Yama and I were walking through the park, it started to rain. Yama ran both his hands through his hair, slicking it back, but continued walking without complaint. And _I_ sure wasn't going to complain... it could mean we'd have to shed wet clothes later...

Sigh. Yama.

"Where are we going?" I asked absently as we walked, watching the sidewalk dampen.

He pointed. "Right over there."

Luckily, we weren't too soaked to enter the diner. I wiped the rain off of my face, followed Yama to a booth and sat opposite him. (It would have been improper to get too close in a public place.)

I rested both my arms on the table and gazed at him dreamily. He took up a menu and looked over it intently. Asked me what I was having and I just said whatever he was having. And finally he noticed my eyes on him.

He smiled knowingly.

That smile I would die for...

And my heart fluttered.

-_finale_-

****

end A/N: for more Yamato x Ken, check out Flutter POV and Untitled by tygerszark/ k'


End file.
